I Swear I Lived

My friend Karia took this photo for me
the day he summited Mt. Kilimanjaro. 

A lot can happen in one year. I'd like to say that I am 365 days stronger, but that would be a lie. If I've learned anything during this past year, it's that life is too short not to be completely honest with yourself.

I started this blog when I was in the process of leaving DC to move to Paris. I fully intended on it being something I updated on a regular basis, but keeping true to what I just said above, after losing Shea last July, I just couldn't. Blogging has always been a very personal thing for me. I try to be very honest in my writing, and because I am a private person I feel like I give up a piece of myself whenever I blog. After I lost Shea, I just couldn't do that. I had to close off from everything and everyone and try to repair myself.

Shea passed away on July 22^nd.  We held her memorial service on July 27^th, and I returned to my world in Paris on July 28^th. I was certainly happy to get back to my apartment and to see Lilly, but the days, weeks and months after returning to Paris were incredibly difficult. I felt like I was living in a haze. I was completely numb to everyone and everything. I was the worst version of myself. Nothing and no one mattered to me because I was so consumed by my grief.

I was blessed to have wonderful family and friends that made the long flight to visit and others that would call, email, message and text. You all know who you are, and I hope you know how much your love and support meant and continues to mean to me! I thought this was something I wanted to do and could do alone, but I know now that it's not. Without the love and support of those closest to me, I wouldn't be where I am now. I work hard to find strength within myself, but I have learned that I absolutely cannot discount the strength I gain from those I love.

Most importantly, I had Mark and Lilly. They were always there for me through the good, bad and often ugly. I don’t know how or why they stuck around, but they did. There were days when I had so much anxiety that I felt like I couldn’t even leave my apartment, but Lilly made me do it. There were days where I just wanted to stay in bed, but Mark would always come home from work happy to see me with a fresh baguette and bottle of wine.

I pushed myself to continue going, to find happiness in the midst of all of my despair. I was in a constant battle with myself – I knew what I needed to do, but I had no desire to do it. I definitely had dark moments. The darkest actually came during my birthday weekend in October while visiting Venice. I have never been one to love birthdays like some of my friends – I’m talking about you, Bree. But since Shea and I were both October babies, we always celebrated together. When Todd came into our lives, also an October baby, we started our annual birthday celebration that we called the Trifecta. It was always so much fun! I think my mom loved it the most because we always had three different types of birthday cake. I usually wanted a cheesecake, Shea wanted Granny’s caramel cake and then Todd would end up with a regular birthday cake because, in my mom’s mind, no birthday is complete without some buttercream frosting.

Because of this special tradition, celebrating my first birthday without Shea was incredibly difficult. Knowing ahead of time that it would be hard, Mark and I planned to go away to Venice for a long weekend. As I said, I was in a dark place…I actually ended up walking around the streets of Venice kicking pigeons...yikes!

For so long I had just been totally numb, but somehow in Venice, on my birthday, I found my anger. I was so mad, and I hated anything and anyone that resembled happiness. I remember yelling at people taking photos on a bridge. I believe my basic message was…life sucks. I felt that everything in life was just total and utter bullshit. Nothing seemed fair, nothing seemed just, nothing, absolutely nothing, made sense.

I know saying these things on my blog is probably going to make some people concerned about me, but I promise, finally finding my anger was awesome. I needed that! Once I found my anger, I was able to FINALLY let it go! Go go go go go go go away all of this anger that had been building up inside of me and consuming every aspect of my life for so long, longer than I could have imagined.

Once I finally let go of all of it, I was able to start having fun, and I became a little bit more pleasant to be around.  

So what have I been up to over the past year? Well that's interesting and boring all at the same time. I have visited 13 countries, spanning 4 continents. Basically my time in France, after returning in July, consisted of lots and lots of traveling. I returned to the US in December and then embarked on a new adventure to Tanzania in January.

Since visiting South Africa in 2011, I fell in love with the entire continent of Africa. For the past three years I have wanted to go back and volunteer. This was always something I thought wouldn’t happen until retirement. I really want to move to one of the many beautiful countries within my favorite continent and put down roots. But for the moment, moving to Africa isn’t an option, so I decided to go and spend almost two months in Moshi, Tanzania volunteering with women and children. This was a dream come true for me. I didn’t know exactly what I was getting myself into, but I was lucky to love my volunteer assignment and also be surrounded by a ton of fabulous people. I stepped off the airplane into the dark African night around 2:30 am not knowing ANYONE in Tanzania, and now I have some of the most amazing friends that have forever changed my life.

While my time in Venice was where I found my anger, my time in Tanzania was where I found strength and happiness. I didn’t know if I could ever be 100% happy again, but it happened there. I am so blessed to have had that experience because it opened up my heart to so many new and wonderful possibilities.

The boring part of my life is what I’m doing now, and in the grand scheme of things, it really isn’t that boring. I am trying to settle down and find some sense of normalcy. I’m back in the US fulltime, so my days consist of job hunting and looking for an apartment. While my day-to-day life isn’t as exciting as traveling the world, I know that when I finally find a place I can call home and a job I enjoy, all of the craziness will be worth it!

No, I am not 365 days stronger, but I am not the same person I was last July. My whole world has changed, and while I don’t have my life together the way I would prefer, I feel like I am in a better place today than I was a year ago. I have found strength within myself and within other people. And I have learned that…

Being laid back is much more fun than being uptight.

It’s important to cut people some slack from time to time. Not everyone is going to do things the way I would do them and that’s ok.

Living for now rather than waiting for tomorrow is mandatory – always, always, always love the moment  - even the moments you want to hate!

The relationships we build are important - most of the time people will surprise you.

Age, race, religion and geographic location don’t matter when it comes to finding true friendships – it’s all about the person and a real connection.

And most importantly…things don’t matter…people matter, time matters, and we should all appreciate how blessed we are to spend time with the people we love.

When I was telling Shea goodbye, I told her that I would do my best to be more like her. I looked at her and said, “You’ve always been a diva and I’ve just been a bitch.” I promised her that I would try my best to learn to be more like her because she was amazing. I will never be the same person I was before I lost Shea, but I think that’s ok.

As I am sure most people reading this also feel…I miss Shea! I miss her every single day! I wish she was still here. There have been so many things I have wanted to discuss with her this year. So many times I needed a little Shea advice or to just hear her beautiful laugh. I can’t believe she is gone; sometimes I still think it’s just a bad dream. But like I said in the eulogy I wrote for her service, the impact Shea made on my life and the love and admiration I have for my sister is something that will never leave me. Shea will always be a part of my life…past, present and future.

So today - on the one year anniversary of her death - as I celebrate Shea, I will wear my navy blue shirt and crazy socks proudly. I’ll make sure my outfit isn’t too matchy matchy. I’ll apply an extra coat of mascara. I will use copious amounts of lip gloss. I’ll choose a Swiss Cake Roll for dessert. I’ll drink delicious French champagne, and I will do something today that scares me…and even in fear, I will love the moment!

And as Shea used to include in her blog posts, my song for the day is I Lived by One Republic. That’s where the title for this blog comes from and it’s been my theme song over the past year.

Shea, I’ll love you forever and I’ll miss you always mon petit pois!